Spring Came and Went and is hopefully Back Again!

Wow! I can't believe it's April 1st already! This past 6 weeks have flown by, which I guess is a good thing...Dad continues to go to therapy at Turnstone and is getting more movement little by little. As of last week he is now part of their fitness program too which will hopefully allow his muscles to get even stronger. It's been such a long slow process that there are days that I can't imagine what life would be like if this had not happened. He is getting better at being on his own more and more which is good since I started part-time work in February which quickly developed into a full-time position. I am really enjoying my job but I'm already starting to find that I need to buckle down and use my time wisely in order to get things done and not feel like I always have work to do.

I love spring time in the country! It's by far one of my favorite times of year..with the early warmth things started blooming early which has been a mood stabilizer for me for sure. The red bud tree in the back yard is priceless and full of memories for me...and I'm hoping that sometime this week the lilac bushes will be in full bloom which will complete my spring time happiness. It's a good thing that I truly find happiness in the God-given beauty of nature because people continue to disappoint me constantly. Close friends are hard to come by and I'm grateful for the ones I have but depression is a difficult thing to manage at times. Mainly because I feel so alone but even when I'm around people/friends I don't feel like talking to them because I don't want to burden anyone. I'm seriously beginning to wonder if my dreams of motherhood and a marriage will ever come true....I know how to find happiness in my life but I've always wanted those two things more than anything and I just can't seem to make them happen. Men can be so difficult to understand at times and my heart is so incredibly fickle and tender that I fall for people who never feel the same way that I do which can make me ridiculously miserable until I realize that this is MY life and if I want to enjoy it then I need to do what makes me happy and not wait on someone else because they may never show up. I have been thinking alot the past year about the saying "If you love something, give it away and if it comes back to you then it's yours to keep" however the love I gave away 8 years ago and came back last year seems to be falling farther and farther away from where I want it to be. But I can't control his heart, I can only attempt to understand/repair mine.

Responsibilities Can Suck!

So this is probably going to be one of those posts you don't want to read if you want to feel good...I'm fully understanding what it's like to be depressed at times....I don't need medication because I'm able to still pull myself out of it most of the time...but I've definitely been feeling blah this week....I'm tired of doing the same thing with Dad everyday and feeling like no one is there to help....at the same time though I feel childish and selfish for feeling this way....a parent gives up so much for their children and there is honestly no reason why I can't keep doing what I've been doing for an eternity other than I don't want to....I want my life back....I want to be able to sleep whenever I want....I want to schedule my day around my wants, needs, and desires...I'm torn about feeling this way though because I've always been someone that puts other's need above my own....but I think before I always felt like I've had periods where my life was mine and mine alone....I know that when you have kids you feel this way alot....and even though I've always wanted to be a mom I'm wondering if I'm not cut out for it....other than the fact that kids grow up and sleep for more than 6 hours a night and can eventually clean themselves, feed themselves, and entertain themselves and I think I'm losing the hope that Dad will ever be able to do these things for himself again....since September I've taken 4 nights off where I've went and stayed in a hotel to get away and I'm grateful for these getaways and they have been spread out to be about every 6 weeks or so and the last time was from January 1-3....so I think I'm just burnt out....but I don't want to go somewhere to get away...I want to sleep in my bed and stay at my house and watch my TV....I'm telling you...I realize how selfish this is and I hate feeling this way....cuz I'm sure Dad wants the same things....who wants to have to rely on someone else to do everything for you....especially when your mind is completely there and yet your body won't let you do what you need to do....

Please don't feel sorry for me....feel sorry for my dad....I don't feel this way 24/7....its just been happening frequently lately and I think part of my frustration comes from feeling like other than Dad, no one else's lives have changed because of this accident although there could be more people who you would think would be here to help and would want to help...people tell me how amazing of a daughter I am but I don't feel like it at all cuz if I was so amazing wouldn't I be able to tell myself that it's a blessing to be able to be here to help Dad and not have these feelings of regret and anger......I can't do this forever and I want my life back....but I have no idea how to get there....and what's in store for me if/when I get to move on...

New Beginnings....

So things have changed quite a bit in the past few weeks...for one Dad bought a new van so now anyone can take him anywhere....he is able to drive his wheelchair into the vehicle and then gets strapped down with 4 ratchet straps and stays in his chair the whole time....this is a back saver for me because before this I was having to manually transfer him everytime he wanted to get in or out of the vehicle....it wasn't cheap by any means but hopefully he will be able to feel more active and less burdensome by having more mobility options...

Another reason it was good timing was I was finally offered a job about 1.5 weeks ago. I accepted a case management position with IPMG (Indiana Professional Management Group) and will be handling a caseload of approximately 29 Developmentally Disabled individuals and helping them reach their life goals...I'm super excited about this position for a multitude of reason but primarily because I work from my home office 50-75% of the time which will allow me to still take care of Dad but also allow me to feel like I'm accomplishing some of my own goals like finding a career.

We still have our daily challenges for sure but since I have more to occupy my mind with right now I try really hard to make the daily hiccups just that....hiccups that have to be dealt with but aren't the end of the world. Dad referred to me a couple of weeks ago as "she's become my best friend".....this made me cry...because I realize that I have become the best friend that he has...I'm there for him whenever he needs me.....we talk about everything.....I take care of him....and I'm always showing him how much I love him even when I don't want to....I unfortunately made a snide comment about how I may be his best friend but he's not mine which is true but I didn't mean to make it mean....I have several other people that I would consider to be my closest friends but by far my father has definitely become much more than just my Daddy in the past 7 months....I have a much deeper relationship with him than what I ever thought was possible....up until his accident I felt like I was losing contact with him because he was so focused on his relationship with Cheryl and at times I felt like he didn't have time for me and my sister....but since the accident we have all been forced to spend more time together and have re-established our family and what we mean to each other....it's hard to not have my mom here but I know that she would expect me to keep doing exactly what I'm doing to make sure her man is getting the best care he can!

Constant Catch 22....

It gets so old that everyday seems to present itself with new challenges....I am definitely a person who embraces change but I get so tired of having to put on my happy face even when I don't feel very happy....Dad wakes me up EVERY morning with a "Good Morning Rachel" which is pleasant enough but me being someone who doesn't particularly care for mornings it sucks....What's even more frustrating is that every morning, no matter how smoothly things appear to be going I have totally become used to the fact that something will go wrong....whether it's an abundant of poop, leaky cathether that creates a crap ton of laundry, the sore on his ankle bleeding, socks not fitting, the Hoyer lift malfunctioning in some way, or just that he didn't sleep well and is now extremely depressed....my dad has never been one to take many pills and unfortunately he has to take several now because of the muscle spasms and pain that is associated with nerve damage....based on my work experience with the mentally ill I could tell that he was experiencing depression in September when he came home....but honestly who wouldn't be feeling like crap? I talked to his doctor and they started him on an anti-depressant that was supposed to not only help with the depression but also the nerve pain....although he wasn't excited about taking yet another pill I convinced him that there was no need to for him to feel so depressed if he truly wanted to have the motivation to try and get better....so once it finally got into his system the uncontrollable crying and pissy moods definitely seemed to get better....but then about a month ago we realized that his blood pressure was sky high....after making sure that everything was ok, we realized that the anti-depressant caused hypertension in less than 10% of the people who take it....& guess what.....dad is part of that 10%.....so we had to lower the dose which has allowed for the blood pressure to come back down but now the depression seems to be coming more problematic...I understand his disappointment with life....because I feel the same way at times....I have frequently said thoughout this whole ordeal that I was extremely thankful that he never lost conscienceness and that his mind seems to be all there because I am fairly certain that I wouldn't be able to handle all of this if he couldn't tell me what needed to be done....but at the same time it has to be so hard for him in that his mind is normal but his body doesn't do anything that he wants it to do...for example he has been having diarrhea type symptoms for over a month now....we have had the stool tested, found pseudomonis bacteria, started 2 different anti-biotics but nothing seems to be helping....one of the most frustrating things for him is that he gets the sensation that he is having a bowel movement and that he's even messed himself yet when I check there is nothing there....so then he feels bad for having me check....but if I don't check & he has a mess then he's sitting in it which breaks down his skin....this morning at breakfast he not only felt the sensation that he was having a movement he felt that he could smell it (now remember he lost his ability to smell with the brain injury) and yet nothing was there.....how do I help him? It's not like a baby in that it takes just a few minutes to change a diaper or even check to see if it needs changed....if he has an accident it involves using the lift to get him in bed....taking his clothes off....cleaning up the mess....and changing clothes....a good 25-30 minute process.....not something you want to be doing all day....one of the many frustrations and examples of how I feel I'm constantly in a state of Catch 22.....

Background

Disclaimer: This blog is intended to be my raw thoughts, feelings, and emotions. I need an outlet to get things out and this is how I'm choosing to do it....if you want to read something sweet & innocent stopping reading this now and find another a blog....I find something to smile about everyday but life is hard and this blog will hopefully reflect that.

My life has been forever changed in the past 2 years...if you know me at all you know that my mother died of ovarian cancer on Dec. 30, 2009. We were blessed with 2 years post diagnosis where I learned that you can not take anything for granted. My mother & I had a rocky relationship for a long time but those last 2 years she quickly became my best friend....I miss her terribly but hope that I'm doing things that can make her proud. After stuggling with grief for the first year after she passed my position at the Northeaster Center was eliminated and I became unemployed. I welcomed the change and hoped to find something new to do as a career. However, Dad fell in January and ended up with a brain injury that caused him to permanently lose his ability to taste & smell....not convienent but manageable. In June he proposed to his girlfriend and they planned on getting married in October. I struggled with how this would change my life but was very happy for him to move on and still feel like he had something to live for without Mom. However, on July 17, 2011 my life was forever changed when he fell down Cheryl's basement stairs and was instantly paralyzed from the neck down. He was able to regain some movement and little feeling in his arms & toes over the next few days but we all definitely were taught what it means to be humble. When he couldn't wipe the tears from his eyes I realized that this was going to be one of my biggest life challenges. After spending 53 days either in the hospital or rehab center he was sent home and I became the primary caregiver. This was not at all what I had envisioned as my new career but what could I do...he's my daddy and no one else was stepping into this role. I moved back into his house, put my trailer up for sale and attempted to wrap my head around what changes I would have to make with my life in order to make his life my comfortable.

Dad has now been home for over 4 months and every morning we are presented with new obstacles, I'm still unemployed although desperately hoping to be hired soon with a company I've interviewed 3 times with, and although the day-to-day routine has gotten easier to grasp the big picture is still awfully fuzzy and scary for me...I will hopefully be able to update this every couple of days with what's going on in my life as the caregiver of a quadraplegic....