Responsibilities Can Suck!

So this is probably going to be one of those posts you don't want to read if you want to feel good...I'm fully understanding what it's like to be depressed at times....I don't need medication because I'm able to still pull myself out of it most of the time...but I've definitely been feeling blah this week....I'm tired of doing the same thing with Dad everyday and feeling like no one is there to help....at the same time though I feel childish and selfish for feeling this way....a parent gives up so much for their children and there is honestly no reason why I can't keep doing what I've been doing for an eternity other than I don't want to....I want my life back....I want to be able to sleep whenever I want....I want to schedule my day around my wants, needs, and desires...I'm torn about feeling this way though because I've always been someone that puts other's need above my own....but I think before I always felt like I've had periods where my life was mine and mine alone....I know that when you have kids you feel this way alot....and even though I've always wanted to be a mom I'm wondering if I'm not cut out for it....other than the fact that kids grow up and sleep for more than 6 hours a night and can eventually clean themselves, feed themselves, and entertain themselves and I think I'm losing the hope that Dad will ever be able to do these things for himself again....since September I've taken 4 nights off where I've went and stayed in a hotel to get away and I'm grateful for these getaways and they have been spread out to be about every 6 weeks or so and the last time was from January 1-3....so I think I'm just burnt out....but I don't want to go somewhere to get away...I want to sleep in my bed and stay at my house and watch my TV....I'm telling you...I realize how selfish this is and I hate feeling this way....cuz I'm sure Dad wants the same things....who wants to have to rely on someone else to do everything for you....especially when your mind is completely there and yet your body won't let you do what you need to do....

Please don't feel sorry for me....feel sorry for my dad....I don't feel this way 24/7....its just been happening frequently lately and I think part of my frustration comes from feeling like other than Dad, no one else's lives have changed because of this accident although there could be more people who you would think would be here to help and would want to help...people tell me how amazing of a daughter I am but I don't feel like it at all cuz if I was so amazing wouldn't I be able to tell myself that it's a blessing to be able to be here to help Dad and not have these feelings of regret and anger......I can't do this forever and I want my life back....but I have no idea how to get there....and what's in store for me if/when I get to move on...

New Beginnings....

So things have changed quite a bit in the past few weeks...for one Dad bought a new van so now anyone can take him anywhere....he is able to drive his wheelchair into the vehicle and then gets strapped down with 4 ratchet straps and stays in his chair the whole time....this is a back saver for me because before this I was having to manually transfer him everytime he wanted to get in or out of the vehicle....it wasn't cheap by any means but hopefully he will be able to feel more active and less burdensome by having more mobility options...

Another reason it was good timing was I was finally offered a job about 1.5 weeks ago. I accepted a case management position with IPMG (Indiana Professional Management Group) and will be handling a caseload of approximately 29 Developmentally Disabled individuals and helping them reach their life goals...I'm super excited about this position for a multitude of reason but primarily because I work from my home office 50-75% of the time which will allow me to still take care of Dad but also allow me to feel like I'm accomplishing some of my own goals like finding a career.

We still have our daily challenges for sure but since I have more to occupy my mind with right now I try really hard to make the daily hiccups just that....hiccups that have to be dealt with but aren't the end of the world. Dad referred to me a couple of weeks ago as "she's become my best friend".....this made me cry...because I realize that I have become the best friend that he has...I'm there for him whenever he needs me.....we talk about everything.....I take care of him....and I'm always showing him how much I love him even when I don't want to....I unfortunately made a snide comment about how I may be his best friend but he's not mine which is true but I didn't mean to make it mean....I have several other people that I would consider to be my closest friends but by far my father has definitely become much more than just my Daddy in the past 7 months....I have a much deeper relationship with him than what I ever thought was possible....up until his accident I felt like I was losing contact with him because he was so focused on his relationship with Cheryl and at times I felt like he didn't have time for me and my sister....but since the accident we have all been forced to spend more time together and have re-established our family and what we mean to each other....it's hard to not have my mom here but I know that she would expect me to keep doing exactly what I'm doing to make sure her man is getting the best care he can!