Constant Catch 22....

It gets so old that everyday seems to present itself with new challenges....I am definitely a person who embraces change but I get so tired of having to put on my happy face even when I don't feel very happy....Dad wakes me up EVERY morning with a "Good Morning Rachel" which is pleasant enough but me being someone who doesn't particularly care for mornings it sucks....What's even more frustrating is that every morning, no matter how smoothly things appear to be going I have totally become used to the fact that something will go wrong....whether it's an abundant of poop, leaky cathether that creates a crap ton of laundry, the sore on his ankle bleeding, socks not fitting, the Hoyer lift malfunctioning in some way, or just that he didn't sleep well and is now extremely depressed....my dad has never been one to take many pills and unfortunately he has to take several now because of the muscle spasms and pain that is associated with nerve damage....based on my work experience with the mentally ill I could tell that he was experiencing depression in September when he came home....but honestly who wouldn't be feeling like crap? I talked to his doctor and they started him on an anti-depressant that was supposed to not only help with the depression but also the nerve pain....although he wasn't excited about taking yet another pill I convinced him that there was no need to for him to feel so depressed if he truly wanted to have the motivation to try and get better....so once it finally got into his system the uncontrollable crying and pissy moods definitely seemed to get better....but then about a month ago we realized that his blood pressure was sky high....after making sure that everything was ok, we realized that the anti-depressant caused hypertension in less than 10% of the people who take it....& guess what.....dad is part of that 10%.....so we had to lower the dose which has allowed for the blood pressure to come back down but now the depression seems to be coming more problematic...I understand his disappointment with life....because I feel the same way at times....I have frequently said thoughout this whole ordeal that I was extremely thankful that he never lost conscienceness and that his mind seems to be all there because I am fairly certain that I wouldn't be able to handle all of this if he couldn't tell me what needed to be done....but at the same time it has to be so hard for him in that his mind is normal but his body doesn't do anything that he wants it to do...for example he has been having diarrhea type symptoms for over a month now....we have had the stool tested, found pseudomonis bacteria, started 2 different anti-biotics but nothing seems to be helping....one of the most frustrating things for him is that he gets the sensation that he is having a bowel movement and that he's even messed himself yet when I check there is nothing there....so then he feels bad for having me check....but if I don't check & he has a mess then he's sitting in it which breaks down his skin....this morning at breakfast he not only felt the sensation that he was having a movement he felt that he could smell it (now remember he lost his ability to smell with the brain injury) and yet nothing was there.....how do I help him? It's not like a baby in that it takes just a few minutes to change a diaper or even check to see if it needs changed....if he has an accident it involves using the lift to get him in bed....taking his clothes off....cleaning up the mess....and changing clothes....a good 25-30 minute process.....not something you want to be doing all day....one of the many frustrations and examples of how I feel I'm constantly in a state of Catch 22.....

Background

Disclaimer: This blog is intended to be my raw thoughts, feelings, and emotions. I need an outlet to get things out and this is how I'm choosing to do it....if you want to read something sweet & innocent stopping reading this now and find another a blog....I find something to smile about everyday but life is hard and this blog will hopefully reflect that.

My life has been forever changed in the past 2 years...if you know me at all you know that my mother died of ovarian cancer on Dec. 30, 2009. We were blessed with 2 years post diagnosis where I learned that you can not take anything for granted. My mother & I had a rocky relationship for a long time but those last 2 years she quickly became my best friend....I miss her terribly but hope that I'm doing things that can make her proud. After stuggling with grief for the first year after she passed my position at the Northeaster Center was eliminated and I became unemployed. I welcomed the change and hoped to find something new to do as a career. However, Dad fell in January and ended up with a brain injury that caused him to permanently lose his ability to taste & smell....not convienent but manageable. In June he proposed to his girlfriend and they planned on getting married in October. I struggled with how this would change my life but was very happy for him to move on and still feel like he had something to live for without Mom. However, on July 17, 2011 my life was forever changed when he fell down Cheryl's basement stairs and was instantly paralyzed from the neck down. He was able to regain some movement and little feeling in his arms & toes over the next few days but we all definitely were taught what it means to be humble. When he couldn't wipe the tears from his eyes I realized that this was going to be one of my biggest life challenges. After spending 53 days either in the hospital or rehab center he was sent home and I became the primary caregiver. This was not at all what I had envisioned as my new career but what could I do...he's my daddy and no one else was stepping into this role. I moved back into his house, put my trailer up for sale and attempted to wrap my head around what changes I would have to make with my life in order to make his life my comfortable.

Dad has now been home for over 4 months and every morning we are presented with new obstacles, I'm still unemployed although desperately hoping to be hired soon with a company I've interviewed 3 times with, and although the day-to-day routine has gotten easier to grasp the big picture is still awfully fuzzy and scary for me...I will hopefully be able to update this every couple of days with what's going on in my life as the caregiver of a quadraplegic....